Public Transportation Etiquette (or, a list of things that make you a douche-bag to ride the train with):

For those of you unfamiliar with my old blogs. I LOVE a good Letterman-style top-ten. Mine aren't always 10, in fact they rarely are... They are lists of however many [whatevers] I need to make my point. I've concocted this particular top-ten based on my experience riding the Burlington Northern Sante Fe METRA every day...

Top 10 things that make me hate you on the train:

1)      Bag/personal belongings on the seat next to you during rush hour, taking up valuable people space. Put it on your lap like the rest of us. Super dick move: getting mad when someone asks you to move it

2)      Quiet car loud/constant talkers

a.       *Staff doesn't enforce this. (see *correspondence below)

b.      If you say anything then *poof* suddenly you’re the a-hole

3)      Spread legs wide open and crossing way over the middle line of thee 2-seater benches – ESPECIALLY if you’re skinny. Knees together people.

4)      Big bags bumping into people when you're walking down the isle. I swear I've got a concussion or 2 from being biffed in the back of my head with brick-like brief cases. 

5)      Getting visibly mad when someone has to walk over you because you didn't sit far enough down on the top shelf

6)      Stinky food

7)      Crocheting (or any needle work) and repeatedly punching your neighbor. We are next to each other for 36 minutes and you whack me 23 times?! Unacceptable. One of my best pals is an avid (AND AWESOME) crocheter and she’s never punched me in the arm/shoulder/HEAD. Never once. And I've been around her for many, many hours of her never-ending needlework.  

8)      Flipping chairs or benches during rush hour for <4 people.

9)      Not letting people go/get out of their seat and off the train. Putting this nicely, don't be a dick.

10)   Stairway standers not moving off the stairs for people going up the stairs. Thank you for the compliment to my waistline but we are face-to-face and I assure you that my backpack/ass combo barely fits up this stairway alone – let alone with another adult body standing there.

11) This one is subtle (I mean, I guess it is because SO MANY people fuck this up) and ANNOYING. AS. SHIT. When the train is crowded and the isles are a cluster-fuck the proper course of action is to turn around and walk toward the back of the train away from the direction of travel. Why don't more people know this?

12) Next: hygiene. This isn't  the C.T.A. for crying out loud. If you can afford this train ticket and that beer you're holding you can afford a bar of soap. Ugh. Its tight quarters here people.

13) Generally speaking this goes for everyone on foot everywhere there are other people. If your'e alone in  the forest preserve or in your home this doesn't apply to you. Look forward when in motion. Straight fucking forward. Not down at your shitty iphone, not over there at the naked bum. Oh look! A dragonfly! Hey, YOU!!! *snaps fingers* Eyes forward fuck-waste. The result of this good ole' fashioned eyes-forward walkin' will be you walking in a straight line and not veering into other passers-by. Please note the consequence of disobeying this suggestion very well might be getting plowed over, by me. Allow me to paint this picture for you; for those who don't know me; I'm 6' tall and one metric fuckload of strong amazon woman, and fuck you, my days of being nice and getting out of your way are over. You MOVE, bitch. 

14) Haggling the conductor. I am 150% positive they aren't gonna come down on the price. Its not their responsibility that you didn't get your ticket beforehand. You're annoying, and irresponsible. Now cough up the $3 'on train' service fee. (In addition to the price of your fare)

15) Full-on, head tilted back, mouth WIDE open - snoring, C'MON!!!!!!! Put your head down.

16) Too much stinky colonge or perfume. & since we all have different tastes; ALL perfume and cologne is considered stinky. A sprits is fine, please dont bathe in it. You're giving me a migrane.

17) In America we drive on the right side of the road. This goes for walking too. I dont want to dance with you, I'm married. if we are headed for a collosion, you go right, I'll go right.
           a. Speaking of the right side... it is a KNOWN FACT that the left side (of anything) is the passing lane. This includes the left side of escalators; they are for people walking up or down the escalators. If you're just going to stand there... Stand on the right side/slow-bus lane and let people pass you on the left. Talking to a friend? Stack one above another on the right side.


So there's that. If you know of a train noob - please pass this on so they can avoid being the douchebag du jour.

Finally, punishment is triple (in my own personal book of karmatic happenings) if you're holding a monthly pass. Shame on you. You should know better.

Last thing!!! "I'm sorry." goes a REALLY long way. If you fuck up - say you're sorry.

Love,
Brookie.

P.S. if you want to see this in a video blog, say so in the comments. I'll do it. I swear I will. 

P.P.S - I don't bother making it a point to sit on the quiet car anymore. It's dead to me.

P.P.P. S. My next blog is going to be all happy baby penguins, puppies, lolli-pops and orgasms. I promise. No bitching. OK, OK I don't promise but it will be up-beat. *mwah* Thanks for listening. 

*my email correspondence with Metra about the quiet car (on 10/11/12)

October 11, 2012

Metra

Attention: Feedback/Customer Service
547 W. Jackson Blvd.
Chicago, IL 60661

Metra,

      I truly love the idea of the quiet car. I was among the (I’m sure) thousands of excited commuters who were thrilled in anticipation when it was announced that there would be a place of  peaceful solace on the long, twice-daily commutes in and out of the city. It really is too bad that here we are a year after the launch of the “quiet car” and I still have yet to experience it.

Let’s say, since June 6, 2011 (quiet car roll-out) minus vacation and holidays I have taken the train 663 times (give or take) during “rush hour.” Let’s then divide that in half because every car is a quiet car in the morning due to lack of coffee, etc. So of the 331 times I’ve sat on an evening rush hour “quiet car,” (usually the BNSF *:** pm train from Union Station to ****) since it’s inception I’d give a very generous guess that 20 of those times were actually quiet. That’s less than 10% of the time. At that rate I consider those times where I actually have a quiet ride home, just to be lucky – and probably nothing to do with the fact that I’m on an official “quiet car” I’m just on a car where the passengers just happen to be being quiet.

     I understand the occasional tourist who is unaware, but that isn’t what I see. I see people just blatantly ignoring the signs (and ignoring the very rare occasion that an announcement is made about the quiet cars). The worst part of it – and the reason for this letter - is that the conductors/ticket-takers NEVER say a word to the offenders. Yesterday the “quiet car” I was on was more like the “party car” and the ticket taker just breezed through, unfazed by the incessant chatter, laughter and noise. I can no longer in sound mind, pay for a service that is a constant source of disappointment without speaking up.

I wear “noise blocking” headphones with music streaming through them and I STILL hear people talking, laughing, SCREAMING on the quiet car – every single day. It’s really is continuous frustration. I spend about $2,000 annually to use your service and I’m dissatisfied with the service I pay for on a daily basis. The introduction of the “quiet car,” had the potential to be a significantly positive change to the Metra service since the only other change commuters ever see is pay increases.  

     I have seen the literature that is for passenger use in advising other passengers that they are sitting in a quiet car and I am insulted. As mentioned, I’m paying you about $2,000 a year to use your service; I shouldn’t be expected to do your job too. My suggestions; either do away with the quiet car completely, or enforce it. Otherwise, as mentioned, it’s just a source of constant disappointment for so many of your loyal commuters.

Regards,

Brooke

Their Reply:

Ms. BañoSnapper,

Thank you for your email.

Metra expects Quiet Cars to be largely enforced by peer pressure and conductor intervention only when necessary. We’re sorry for any inconvenience.

We will, however, forward your email to the BNSF to suggest that they remind crews about Quiet Car guidelines and proper enforcement.

Regards,

Metra 

My reply:

Thank you for the fast response. As mentioned, it's insulting to expect patrons to do the job of the company providing the service. That's what we pay for. 
~Brooke

...they never replied