A blog about a blogger (and, well, other things, like having a dog)

I was literally (literally, literally, not that bullshit "literally" crap that people talk about all the time, like, "I'm literally so full, I'm about to explode!" no you're not, kill yourself, learn English) about to go to bed when I read this awesome lady's blog and I was like, "I literally need to write a counterpart blog to this blog." ...and then shit got real meta. Like, REALLY meta.

First of all fuck you facebook,

I really don't give a fuck about most of the shit you show me. I "like" about one gazillion pages (number unconfirmed) on facebook -- and how much shit do I see from the shit I wanna see? the shit I like? ....well, about 9%. (number unconfirmed, but that's what it feels like)

I digress.

The point here is that I think awesome, beautiful, funny, smart Chrissy should get a fuggin dog.
I really do.

Like, I really do.

I read that shit and I hopped up off my fat ass - and first, I cried because I had nothing left to mix with my vodka, then I made a  two-quart concoction of some powdered bullshit I don't endorse & MIO, this shit I fully endorse because it makes my husband happy & vodka, duh. The pouring and mixing of all that vodka sounds made me have to pee. So, then, I peed, but I already had the idea to write this blog, so I peed, but I was rushing to blog, so I tried to prematurely wipe and I peed on my hand a little. So, then, I washed my hands, extra.

Then, I scrambled around my house looking for my computer (because, based on my blog activity, clearly I don't use my computer enough), then I put my new awesome-ass headphones in, no seriously, they're awesome.

So, I found my computer, made my husband take my meta-ass pic, took a swig, and got down to it. Now, I love writing a good ole Letterman-style top 10 list, and I COULD. NOT. RESIST. Writing this blog, if not for the sole purpose to fuck-with Chrissy (because, clearly, I love her), but because, well, I'm drunk as shit.

So, without further [drunken] adieu:
The Top 10 Reasons Chrissy should get a dog (especially because it annoys her that the interwebs say that she should)
....wait I need  to make another clusterfuckdrink, damnit, I talk too much, brb..

OK back.

1)  dogs are the best companions
2) you can only fuck with your significant other so much, dogs bring the endless fuckining
3) (serious) when you're sad, they know and make you smile, and even when they pass away you can look at shit like this and they still make you smile
4) their bad, awful, terrible fart smells give you something to blame when you toot.
5) their feet smell delicious
6) because then, you too, can be an annoying www'er
7) have you met my dog? C'mon!
8) A doggy fistbump WILL make you forget the disappointment your soul feels for living on the same planet as those Jersey shore fuckheads.
9) Long car ride? No problem; cuteass shotgun'er, every.fuggin.time.
10) ENDLESS SNUGGLE PARTY

I love you Quirky Chrissy!!!!
Do you like me?
Please circle one:

YES        NO


(please circle YES)


~BBS

P.S. if ANYONE EVER posts some crazy nonsense like this about this how I should have a kid, I'll slit their throat. #KiddingNotKidding

"...being in a garage doesn't make you a car any more than being in a church makes u a Christian" ~Corrine A.

I asked the internet what they wanted me to write about and one reader, Corrine A. responded with a great topic I haven’t written about before. She said, “How bout a topic delving into living like the god u believe in. I don't care what it is, just stay true to morals, your morals... Not rules or worrying about what other a-holes think. That always frosted my ass. Kinda like being in a garage doesn't make you a car any more than being in a church makes u a Christian.”

For a long time I called myself an agnostic. But I was confused. Agnosticism is a view that the existence – or lack thereof - cannot be proved or disproved so therefore it is unknown. I don’t believe that AT ALL. I guess the closest “lable” I can put on myself is “polytheist.” Polytheism is the worship or belief in multiple deities or gods. Now, I don’t worship any god, but I believe in many. Actually, I believe in them all. Because, simply put, I’m not a self involved dick.

My eyes were opened and the switch started to flip from Agnostic (with Athiest leanings) to Polytheist about 9 years ago. Someone close to me (at the time) was having a TERRIBLE time getting pregnant. Lets call her Cloud. Cloud and her husband tried everything, and they tried for a very long time. And it seemed like it wasn’t going to happen.  She confided in her husband’s mother that she was deeply and darkly depressed. All she ever really wanted was to be a mom and have a bunch of kids. So, she often thought what was the point of living? Well her mother-in-law was a very hard-core faithful catholic and she believed that her god could and would bring them a baby – if only they prayed hard enough. So she gathered a group of devout catholic women, most of them closely related to her (daughters, sisters, and a close friend) and they met at Cloud's house and performed a sort-of, “laying of hands,” ceremony right there on Cloud’s tummy. Then - timing suggests – she got pregnant that night.  And she BELIEVED that it was the prayer. That was her truth. That was when I realized – maybe I don’t believe – but that IS, HER, TRUTH. It’s not a lie or wrong, or made up. It’s her truth. And who the fuck am I to tell her that what she believes to be true is wrong?

(Cloud has 5 kids now)

…and things like that just kept happening to me. Perfect paintings of other peoples’ spirituality and beliefs just kept presenting themselves to me & it really opened my eyes to a lot of things – not just with regards to peoples’ individual beliefs regarding religion and spirituality but people’s individual beliefs about life. I started applying my new thinking to all types of scenarios and people in my life. And I found that, as long as no one was proselytizing, rude, mean, or hurting themselves or other people then I was really OK with whatever other people believed and whatever they thought was true. If you told me you honestly believed that grass is blue. Not only would I believe that too (as your truth) but I’d support you and I’d stick up for you.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am ALWAYS trying to learn more about everything and I’m totally into having discussions about spirituality and – FOR ME; I cannot understand or fathom certain things like magical underwear or burying a statue of a saint in your yard to sell your house and I also realize there are things I do/believe/practice that other people cannot fathom. That’s cool. Namaste.

I say embrace yourself, live in the moment, and don’t worry so much about what other people are doing (unless there is violence, injustice or intolerance – then maybe try to be helpful, if you want to)  Don’t hold other people down. And generally, be nice. Oh and this is important; if you fuck up – apologize. And try not to do it again.

So that’s the basic principals I live by. I’m messy, I drink too much, I smoke when I drink, I pick my skin, I have anxiety, and the list goes on. But I try to do my best: I try to be the best wife, employee, friend, person that I can be – and sometimes all I can be is  not very good, but I assure you, I’m trying. I actively try to show gratitude and be vocal about positivity (I compliment people a lot). I try to say, “yes,” as much as I can. I try to respect people, and if I can’t respect them I at least try to be nice to them. Sometimes the nicest thing I can do for someone is stay away from them. I hope that makes sense.  There are situations (like my work) where I don’t let my love and my light shine as brightly as I want too because it would be damaging to me. But I have a plan; and hopefully, one day I won’t have to censor myself. In the meantime, I just keep quiet, do my best and go home.

When I’m wrong, I apologize sincerely  and I try not to become a repeat offender. I feel ingenuine (which, btw, is not an actual word… yet) if I have previously apologized for something and then I thoughtlessly do it again. Feeling like a hypocrite is icky to me. I don’t like it and I don’t like who I am when I feel that way, so why would I want to share my love and life with anyone if I feel like a jackass?  Apologizing and sticking to it isn’t just important for the sake of other people’s feelings, it’s important to my personal growth. I find I am a better person if I acknowledge my mistakes, learn from them and try to be better. I struggle a lot but I try to be more confident than I am at any given moment – that’s a neat trick and it works – try it; right now, be or act more confident than you feel right now. Not cocky, just good. Smile at yourself in a mirror. It might feel silly – but silly is a positive feeling and I call that a win. Mmmmm positivity feels good! In addition to apologizing and expressing myself positively, I sometimes  all the time over apologize some would say apologize too much and too often. I say I am where I am and I love where I am so even if the only two words out of my mouth were, “I’m sorry,” I would be apologizing the perfect amount for where I am right now – but that’s just how I think. Anyway, I kind of fear that because I apologize so often that when I sincerely need to dole out a good hard apology that it won’t be taken seriously. Lets say you’re over at my house, I make you tea, I warn you that it is hot and you burn your lip anyway. I’ll apologize like crazy, get you a cool glass of water, offer to get ice for your tea, etc. Even though I know it’s not really my fault per say that you burned your lip. This annoys some people a little but it’s not like I have ownership of the things I am apologizing for (when they truly are out of my control). It’s just my way of showing sympathy, or that I care. I guess what I should say is, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Or, “I care about you and I dislike seeing you in pain. Maybe I can offer comfort or words to show I care.” But, “I’m sorry,” is just so much faster ;-) So dear blog readers, if you ever hear my say, “I’m sorry,” what I’m really saying is, “I love you.” Keep that in your back pocket, you can use it later.

Now, to speciffically answer Corrine’s request, which I loved by the way; I can only really share what I do and what I believe. I understand that there is grey area in every aspect of life but generally, people know right from wrong. I just try to be nice, do the right thing and learn from my mistakes. I try to stay true to my morals and be a good girl. I try not to impose my beliefs on other people, but I am the first person to speak up about injustices. I admire people who talk the talk and walk the walk of their own faith. Hypocrisy annoys me, violence is intolerable and I am deeply saddened by imposed limitations on peoples’ freedom to live peaceful lives in whatever manner they please.

I also like to make people laugh and tell stories.  So there is that.

Thanks again Corrine!

Also, I slipped in a joke above about my husband thinking I apologize too much. Dont get it twisted, he picks on me in a light hearted way bececause he's looking out for me - he doenst want me to stress about the small stuff. He's awesome and supportive and I luff him mostest.

Here’s some awesome pictures of cats. You’re welcome





Public Transportation Etiquette (or, a list of things that make you a douche-bag to ride the train with):

For those of you unfamiliar with my old blogs. I LOVE a good Letterman-style top-ten. Mine aren't always 10, in fact they rarely are... They are lists of however many [whatevers] I need to make my point. I've concocted this particular top-ten based on my experience riding the Burlington Northern Sante Fe METRA every day...

Top 10 things that make me hate you on the train:

1)      Bag/personal belongings on the seat next to you during rush hour, taking up valuable people space. Put it on your lap like the rest of us. Super dick move: getting mad when someone asks you to move it

2)      Quiet car loud/constant talkers

a.       *Staff doesn't enforce this. (see *correspondence below)

b.      If you say anything then *poof* suddenly you’re the a-hole

3)      Spread legs wide open and crossing way over the middle line of thee 2-seater benches – ESPECIALLY if you’re skinny. Knees together people.

4)      Big bags bumping into people when you're walking down the isle. I swear I've got a concussion or 2 from being biffed in the back of my head with brick-like brief cases. 

5)      Getting visibly mad when someone has to walk over you because you didn't sit far enough down on the top shelf

6)      Stinky food

7)      Crocheting (or any needle work) and repeatedly punching your neighbor. We are next to each other for 36 minutes and you whack me 23 times?! Unacceptable. One of my best pals is an avid (AND AWESOME) crocheter and she’s never punched me in the arm/shoulder/HEAD. Never once. And I've been around her for many, many hours of her never-ending needlework.  

8)      Flipping chairs or benches during rush hour for <4 people.

9)      Not letting people go/get out of their seat and off the train. Putting this nicely, don't be a dick.

10)   Stairway standers not moving off the stairs for people going up the stairs. Thank you for the compliment to my waistline but we are face-to-face and I assure you that my backpack/ass combo barely fits up this stairway alone – let alone with another adult body standing there.

11) This one is subtle (I mean, I guess it is because SO MANY people fuck this up) and ANNOYING. AS. SHIT. When the train is crowded and the isles are a cluster-fuck the proper course of action is to turn around and walk toward the back of the train away from the direction of travel. Why don't more people know this?

12) Next: hygiene. This isn't  the C.T.A. for crying out loud. If you can afford this train ticket and that beer you're holding you can afford a bar of soap. Ugh. Its tight quarters here people.

13) Generally speaking this goes for everyone on foot everywhere there are other people. If your'e alone in  the forest preserve or in your home this doesn't apply to you. Look forward when in motion. Straight fucking forward. Not down at your shitty iphone, not over there at the naked bum. Oh look! A dragonfly! Hey, YOU!!! *snaps fingers* Eyes forward fuck-waste. The result of this good ole' fashioned eyes-forward walkin' will be you walking in a straight line and not veering into other passers-by. Please note the consequence of disobeying this suggestion very well might be getting plowed over, by me. Allow me to paint this picture for you; for those who don't know me; I'm 6' tall and one metric fuckload of strong amazon woman, and fuck you, my days of being nice and getting out of your way are over. You MOVE, bitch. 

14) Haggling the conductor. I am 150% positive they aren't gonna come down on the price. Its not their responsibility that you didn't get your ticket beforehand. You're annoying, and irresponsible. Now cough up the $3 'on train' service fee. (In addition to the price of your fare)

15) Full-on, head tilted back, mouth WIDE open - snoring, C'MON!!!!!!! Put your head down.

16) Too much stinky colonge or perfume. & since we all have different tastes; ALL perfume and cologne is considered stinky. A sprits is fine, please dont bathe in it. You're giving me a migrane.

17) In America we drive on the right side of the road. This goes for walking too. I dont want to dance with you, I'm married. if we are headed for a collosion, you go right, I'll go right.
           a. Speaking of the right side... it is a KNOWN FACT that the left side (of anything) is the passing lane. This includes the left side of escalators; they are for people walking up or down the escalators. If you're just going to stand there... Stand on the right side/slow-bus lane and let people pass you on the left. Talking to a friend? Stack one above another on the right side.


So there's that. If you know of a train noob - please pass this on so they can avoid being the douchebag du jour.

Finally, punishment is triple (in my own personal book of karmatic happenings) if you're holding a monthly pass. Shame on you. You should know better.

Last thing!!! "I'm sorry." goes a REALLY long way. If you fuck up - say you're sorry.

Love,
Brookie.

P.S. if you want to see this in a video blog, say so in the comments. I'll do it. I swear I will. 

P.P.S - I don't bother making it a point to sit on the quiet car anymore. It's dead to me.

P.P.P. S. My next blog is going to be all happy baby penguins, puppies, lolli-pops and orgasms. I promise. No bitching. OK, OK I don't promise but it will be up-beat. *mwah* Thanks for listening. 

*my email correspondence with Metra about the quiet car (on 10/11/12)

October 11, 2012

Metra

Attention: Feedback/Customer Service
547 W. Jackson Blvd.
Chicago, IL 60661

Metra,

      I truly love the idea of the quiet car. I was among the (I’m sure) thousands of excited commuters who were thrilled in anticipation when it was announced that there would be a place of  peaceful solace on the long, twice-daily commutes in and out of the city. It really is too bad that here we are a year after the launch of the “quiet car” and I still have yet to experience it.

Let’s say, since June 6, 2011 (quiet car roll-out) minus vacation and holidays I have taken the train 663 times (give or take) during “rush hour.” Let’s then divide that in half because every car is a quiet car in the morning due to lack of coffee, etc. So of the 331 times I’ve sat on an evening rush hour “quiet car,” (usually the BNSF *:** pm train from Union Station to ****) since it’s inception I’d give a very generous guess that 20 of those times were actually quiet. That’s less than 10% of the time. At that rate I consider those times where I actually have a quiet ride home, just to be lucky – and probably nothing to do with the fact that I’m on an official “quiet car” I’m just on a car where the passengers just happen to be being quiet.

     I understand the occasional tourist who is unaware, but that isn’t what I see. I see people just blatantly ignoring the signs (and ignoring the very rare occasion that an announcement is made about the quiet cars). The worst part of it – and the reason for this letter - is that the conductors/ticket-takers NEVER say a word to the offenders. Yesterday the “quiet car” I was on was more like the “party car” and the ticket taker just breezed through, unfazed by the incessant chatter, laughter and noise. I can no longer in sound mind, pay for a service that is a constant source of disappointment without speaking up.

I wear “noise blocking” headphones with music streaming through them and I STILL hear people talking, laughing, SCREAMING on the quiet car – every single day. It’s really is continuous frustration. I spend about $2,000 annually to use your service and I’m dissatisfied with the service I pay for on a daily basis. The introduction of the “quiet car,” had the potential to be a significantly positive change to the Metra service since the only other change commuters ever see is pay increases.  

     I have seen the literature that is for passenger use in advising other passengers that they are sitting in a quiet car and I am insulted. As mentioned, I’m paying you about $2,000 a year to use your service; I shouldn’t be expected to do your job too. My suggestions; either do away with the quiet car completely, or enforce it. Otherwise, as mentioned, it’s just a source of constant disappointment for so many of your loyal commuters.

Regards,

Brooke

Their Reply:

Ms. BañoSnapper,

Thank you for your email.

Metra expects Quiet Cars to be largely enforced by peer pressure and conductor intervention only when necessary. We’re sorry for any inconvenience.

We will, however, forward your email to the BNSF to suggest that they remind crews about Quiet Car guidelines and proper enforcement.

Regards,

Metra 

My reply:

Thank you for the fast response. As mentioned, it's insulting to expect patrons to do the job of the company providing the service. That's what we pay for. 
~Brooke

...they never replied

"If you see what I see you'd know that freedom 'aint free." ~Brother Ali

I was left feeling so sad and scared after a conversation with a smart, progressive girlfriend. She flippantly dismissed my comments about Edward Snowden claiming that she "didn't give a shit if someone read [her] email' ... This isn't about someone reading my email. I'm not doing anything that interesting.. really...

            This is why I'm fussing about: 

            Edward Snowden, pronounced “My Personal Hero,” or “Awesom McHugeNuts,” is a [former] IT geek who worked as a contractor for the National Security Agency (NSA). A little over a month ago he blew the lid off a MASSIVE fucking invasion of my (and your) privacy; he leaked information about American and European mass surveillance programs that include interception of telephone data & all kinds of crazy ass internet surveillance. He was charged with espionage and theft of government property and I’m fairly certain James Bond is after his skinny white ass. Several countries have offered him asylum but (of, fucking, course) the United States is doing their damndest to prevent that.

           *giggle, snort*

            But let’s go back to the whistle heard ‘round the world, rather, what I thought was around the world but it turns out no one has heard about it, and well, if they have – they aren’t talking about it and no one (here) is doing anything about it. I shake my head at you people. Maybe you just don’t know what’s going on though? So here’s the skinny:

On June sixth Snowden contacted a journalist and a documentary film maker and they all met in Hong King and began publishing information about the mass surveillance goings on in the GurdianNewspaper

In the first video Edward says:  

"Even if you’re not doing anything wrong, you’re being watched and recorded. And the storage capability of these systems increases every year consistently, by orders of magnitude, to where it’s getting to the point you don’t have to have done anything wrong. You simply have to eventually fall under suspicion from somebody, even by a wrong call, and then they can use the system to go back in time and scrutinize every decision you’ve ever made, every friend you’ve ever discussed something with, and attack you on that basis, to sort of derive suspicion from an innocent life and paint anyone in the context of a wrongdoer."

I am terrified that more people posted about the Chicago blackhawks winning the cup than I've seen people post about this. terrified. Why isn't anyone talking about this? I HOPE it's because they are scared to talk about it. Fear I can deal with. I have fears. But we are not the sum of our fears, knowledge is power and knowledge will release you from your fears. Are you people thinking about it? Are you reading about it?

In the same interview I referenced above Snowden goes on to say:
"....The greatest fear that I have regarding the outcome for America of these disclosures is that nothing will change. People will see in the media all of these disclosures. They’ll know the lengths that the government is going to grant themselves powers, unilaterally to create greater control over American society and global society, but they won’t be willing to take the risks necessary to stand up and fight to change things, to force their representatives to actually take a stand in their interests.”

And if we do nothing, he postulates (smartly, I might add):

“And then months ahead, the years ahead, it’s only going to get worse, until eventually there will be a time where policies will change, because the only thing that restricts the activities of the surveillance state are policy. Even our agreements with other sovereign governments, we consider that to be a stipulation of policy rather than a stipulation of law. And because of that, a new leader will be elected, they’ll flip the switch, say that because of the crisis, because of the dangers that we face in the world, you know, some new and unpredicted threat, we need more authority, we need more power, and there will be nothing the people can do at that point to oppose it and it’ll be turnkey tyranny.”

Then this morning Ron Wayden released a statement saying he thinks the Obama administration might be considering “scaling back” the mass phone data collection.  My eyes are at this point rolled pretty far in the back of my head, but it is progress, a teeny tiny step in the right direction, and I am a big fan of progress so; yay? I don’t know. I really just don’t know. 

Thoughts?  
 ~BBS

P.S...I was just publicly accused of "tin-foil hatting" this "a bit much." ....said the boyfriend of the girl who I reference in the first paragraph of this post; who basically told me to fuck off when I expressed my concern over this matter... They are both so smart and in the know.. I really am baffled by all of this. good thinkin' food for me though. *straightens out tin hat* *flips you off*

P.P.S...
this just in!!!! (how did I fail to mention this!?! #fail) Edward Snowden's girlfriend is SUPER DELICIOUS HOT

 

Fresh

I haven’t published anything on the www in a very long time (other than my daily, hilarious musings on the book of faces). Those close to me know it’s because I was writing a book. Then, my computer took a giant shit, the hard drive and mother board committed a double suicide and it wasn’t until they were both shipped off to god-knows-where that I realized I hadn’t backed up the book anywhere. I had sent snippets and pieces and ever a chapter or two here-and-there of it to close friends but really, thirteen chapters; gone. See what happens when I try to keep quiet and personal? Anyway, after that I got rather disgruntled and haven’t been writing at all really for the last two months, oh also I was busy getting married to my most favorite person in the whole wide world.

Things you can expect to read about in the coming weeks:

Married life (is fucking awesome)

Edward Snowden, the NSA, “freedom”

My husband (is fucking awesome)

“Positive thinking”

Equal Rights 

Rants about the Burlington Northern Sante Fe railroad, Metra and why I hate people (kisses, puppies, baby penguins -- I'm not really hateful and when I act like a proper twat, I like to balance it out with something lovely, like thoughts of baby animals or pictures of my friends boobs. but never mine (too bad for you because they are perfect), never ever! ..and definitely not on a public forum like craigslist.com for the world to see. I wouldn't dare! ....Have I mentioned I'm married now? ...yeah, he puts up with a lot of shit, probably because (as mentioned) I have fantastic cans.

Concert Reviews, musical things, and why dating a musician is a terrible idea. 

Why I’m not a feminist 

My opinions on EVERYTHING 

Pictures of me in bathrooms 

Farts

And many mooorrreeeee!

…cross your fingers that this one sticks (the blog, and the marriage, well really just the blog. I'm really rather confident in my partnership or what the state of Nevada deems "joined lawful wedlock")

Love, 

MRS! BañoSnapper

P.S. Got any blog suggestions? Questions? Need advice? Something got you down? Come sit on Auntie Brookie's [blog] lap. I'll straighten you right the fuck out. I am like a walking, talking, gum snapping, (and always accurate) magic 8-ball.  Seriously, and if I don't know about it you can bet your fat, lumpy ass that I'll google the everlivingshit out of it on your behalf, write a full-on blog and I'll even make it look pretty. ....aaaaannnnd GO! ...then come right back cuz I have a blog lined up right behind this one ready to go.